AMERICA THE LUXURIOUS: An Immodest Tax Proposal

Rebranding taxes for a more aspirational America!

Apr 18, 2023

Now is the perfect time to reevaluate our tedious, punitive, joyless tax system.

Why would billionaires, or anyone else, want to pay taxes?

Pay your taxes and no one knows you’ve done it.

You don’t get a thank you. You don’t get an I PAID TAXES sticker. You don’t get naming privileges. You don’t even get a tote bag!

The only person who knows how much money you actually have is your accountant and their goal is to make you look as broke as possible!

If they want to attract big-money philanthropists, the I.R.S. is going to have to become a little less U.S.S.R. and a lot more D.K.N.Y.!

If we amp up the glamour and change our tone, High Worth Individuals everywhere will be crawling all over each other to pay the most every April.

TACTIC 1: THE SPRING TAX GALA

Rich Americans love to give money away, as long as they get some credit, some gratitude, and some shrimp cocktail.

So let’s transform Tax Day from a grim day of waiting in line at the post office into a nighttime black-tie benefit gala!

The annual by-invitation-only Spring Tax Gala will be open to only the individual and corporate champions of that fiscal year.

The Spring Tax Gala will be the event of the year, eclipsing the Met Gala and making every other benefit gala moot - because it will raise enough money to take care of everything anyone ever raised money for, making all other benefit galas unnecessary!

Then, for the rest of the year, every event the rich attend won’t have to pretend to revolve around bummer causes like cancer research and hunger.

Every cause will be taken care of and wealthy Americans will finally be allowed to have the kind of guilt-free fun that the poor enjoy!

The rich are highly competitive people. We need to create a peacocky race to top-shelf-wealth tiers where the winners are the ones who pay the most.

TACTIC 2: INVITATIONS VS. SUMMONSES

What billionaire wants to open a tersely-worded I.R.S. summons printed on flimsy newsprint?

The right paper stock can transform any message.

Do people need an engraved invitation to donate millions of dollars?

Absolutely they do and it’s a small price to pay!

And sending a thank you card never hurt either. The I.R.S. needs to learn some M.A.N.N.E.R.S.

TACTIC 3: REBRAND “CITIZENSHIP” as “MEMBERSHIP.”

Status is everything! That’s what our government just doesn’t seem to understand.

People will pay more for a gold credit card. Why should people who owe money look rich?

We should create a public-facing evaluation of every citizen-member of America’s contribution, with metal finishes that incentivize giving more: like Copper, Silver, Gold, and Platinum.

People will have to use the card that denotes their actual tax contribution all year.

Non-citizens who pay taxes will have guest memberships. It’s the gracious thing to do - and their contributions count!

Those who donate at the highest levels will receive the admiration they desire and everyone will want to pay more.

Because, while it feels exclusive, anyone can be in the highest tax bracket. (Which will be renamed the “highest wealth tier”!) All they have to do is buy their way in! What’s more American than that?

HOW ABOUT A REAL BANK OF AMERICA?

Let’s get rid of rapacious, failing banks that flaunt patriotic imagery while gouging us all with high fees and crappy interest rates, even after we’ve bailed them out with our tax dollars.

Instead, let’s connect our citizen membership cards to one national bank that isn’t just backed by the full faith and credit of the U.S. Treasury… it IS the U.S. Treasury! Give everyone membership, perks, prestige, and credit… and we can all earn interest that benefits all of us.

While we’re at it, let’s give our citizen members mileage credit on all of the airlines they’ve bailed out! Open those lounges!

CITIZENSHIP HAS ITS PRIVILEGES

We need to make people feel like they’re in a country that’s more like a club!

For the cost of a glossy brochure enumerating the status and benefits you get with your membership mailed out to everyone each Spring, everyone will feel like their membership is worth it!

With your citizen membership, you already receive:

-access to thousands of parks and beaches

-well-stocked libraries with knowledgeable research librarians

-free schools

-modern and safe airports

-door-to-door roads

-water delivery to all of your homes

-24-hour emergency response

-access to embassies around the world

AMERICA, THE UPGRADED!

Once American corporations and the mere 724 American billionaires join America as Platinum Members, all Americans will be automatically upgraded to a portfolio of unparalleled benefits:

- Affordable, comprehensive health care for you, your relatives, your employees, your neighbors, their children, and everyone you might catch something from.

- A heartwarming system of childcare and eldercare.

- Free college education and reeducation and technical schools for all.

- A national high-speed train system.

- Free Wifi.

- Eight weeks of vacation.

- And so much more.

A SINGLE-PARTY SYSTEM

We can move away from a two-party, rights-grabbing, money-grubbing political system to one luxurious system that is one big party for all!

UNITED AND UPGRADED

This glamour-forward approach will rebrand our entire society, making us the model of Capitalism we’re supposed to be!

We will be united and upgraded at last as Americans: The Beautiful People.

I’m just a simple luxury marketing guru, but this adds up to some pretty psychologically-sound fiscal policy to me.

Thoughts?

Hermette Magazine

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