THE ISSUE: Phoning it in.
Hanging up on everyone with HERMETTE WIRELESS: the service that works for you because it won't work anywhere!
Cell phones, which lied their way into our lives with the promise of freedom, have ruined everything.
Perhaps the greatest obstacle to your freedom and your privacy is your stupid smartphone.
So we’ve created Hermette Wireless: the World’s Worst Wireless Service™.
It’s not just horrible like the other cell services, Hermette Wireless is so lousy that it makes you impossible to reach, no matter what.
Our service pairs with artist-made wooden cell phones that get zero reception of any kind. The only thing they pick up is the Hermette Wireless Network which works no where. It merely connects you to the universe.
Want to be left alone? Now you’ll always have an excuse: your cell service that literally won’t work anywhere!
When people realize that you never seem to get their messages, they’ll start to get the message!
Bring your old number with you or choose whatever number you want. Like 4 or 202020202020020202020. It doesn’t matter!
Imagine! actually be alone together in a room with another person without feeling compelled to stand with posture like a boiled shrimp, simultaneously being bombarded by photos, gifs, emojis, links, tik-toks and anxiety.
A Hermette Wireless phone is guaranteed to never vibrate, ring you, ping you, @ you, or give you notifications that push you over the edge.
We won’t track your steps or your meals, your periods or your lovers. We won’t record you and accidentally text everything you said to a former colleague.
Our founding motto is:
CAN I JUST BE LEFT THE F@CK ALONE FOR ONE F@CKING SECOND?????!!!!!!!™
And we’re committed to that spirit in everything we do.
Whether you’re a lumberjack, a Luddite, a 5G conspiracy theorist, a nature lover, a hermit, an arts-and-crafts revival movement enthusiast, a privacy nut, a toddler, a philanderer, or if you want the greatest a conversation piece you’ve ever slapped on a salad bar, Hermette Wireless gives you the anti-tech credibility you crave.
Think of the huge expense your cell phone rings up every year. Our phones come with affordable lifetime plans that works perfectly nowhere.
No interruptions. No robocalls. No butt dialing. No X. No Instagram. No news. No updating or upgrading. No Facebook. No shouting. No reminders. No alerts. No Siri. No scammers. No spammers. No messages to return. Just the feeling of being alone in harmony with nature.
One simple lifetime plan and boom. You’re forever free and ever-present.
Another great thing about our phones: we don’t use cobalt or other minerals likely to have been mined by children. So you can feel good instead of quietly living with the knowledge that you’re the kind of monster who would allow children to be poisoned so you can look at animals on instagram.
Our phones are made by artists and banjo players in their free time. That’s the kind of company we are.
Why switch from one carrier you hate to another carrier you hate? Switch to a plan that makes everyone feel good for a change.
Is this a joke? Yes, but it’s also real- and carrying it around instead of carrying your old phone actually changes your life for the better.
If we all connected to the Hermette Wireless Network, it could actually solve many of the world’s problems. Nobel Prize committee, hello!!!!!!
Guaranteed to work nowhere on earth or in space. Featured in this month’s Edible New York!
Order your lifechanging Hermette Wireless phone and plans RIGHT NOW only at:
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FURTHER READING
Fast Company Smartphones are wrecking the planet faster than anyone expected
Forbes on phones, mental health and teens
The Wire: Child Labor mining rare earth minerals for smartphones.
These models are sleeker for sure but I'm a big fan of the original: https://variety.com/2015/tv/news/catherine-coulson-log-lady-twin-peaks-dies-dead-1201604367/
Hahahahahahahaha!!